Do you find yourself constantly battling perfectionism and self-doubt? Do you ever wonder if your perfectionism is triggered by a high standard you set for yourself or if there is actually more to it? Believe it or not, there are actually three distinct types of perfectionism. Understanding these can be a game changer in how we deal with our own perfectionist tendencies.

In this blog post, we’re diving deep into what triggers self-doubt, the different types of perfectionism, and evidence based skills that will help you learn how to let go of criticism, build your self esteem and find balance.

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First, let’s start by exploring the common triggers of perfectionism.

Fear Of Failure:

The dread of making mistakes and the associated fear of judgment or rejection can be a powerful trigger. Perfectionists often equate failure with a lack of personal worth.

High Personal Standards: 

People who set excessively high standards for themselves are more prone to perfectionism. This often stems from an internal desire to excel in every aspect of life, whether it’s work, relationships, or personal projects.

Parental Expectations and Upbringing: 

Childhood experiences, such as growing up with parents who placed a high value on achievement or who were overly critical, can sow the seeds of perfectionism. This can create a belief that love and approval are contingent on being perfect.

Cultural and Societal Pressure: 

Societal norms and cultural expectations, often perpetuated through media, can foster a mindset where anything less than perfect is seen as unacceptable. This is particularly evident in areas like physical appearance, career success, or lifestyle.

Comparison with Others: 

The tendency to constantly compare oneself to others, especially in the age of social media, can exacerbate perfectionist tendencies. Seeing the curated “perfect” lives of others can create unrealistic benchmarks.

Personal Insecurities: 

Underlying insecurities about one’s abilities or self-worth can fuel a need to strive for perfection as a way to compensate for perceived inadequacies.

Control Issues: 

For some, perfectionism is a way to feel in control in an uncertain world. There’s a belief that by making things perfect, they can prevent negative outcomes.

Academic and Professional Environments: 

Highly competitive academic or work environments can trigger perfectionism, especially where there’s a strong emphasis on performance, results, and constant evaluation.

Past Successes: 

Sometimes, having been praised or rewarded for high achievement in the past can set an internal benchmark, leading to a persistent pursuit of high standards to replicate past successes.

Cognitive Distortions: 

Thought patterns like all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, and catastrophic thinking can contribute to perfectionistic behavior. These distortions create a black-and-white view of success and failure.

Can you relate to any of these? If so, it’s important to figure out what type of perfectionism tends to show up for you. Sometimes setting a label can help us understand how to navigate things better and see what should be our main focus. Together, let’s understand the three different types of perfectionism. 

Self-Oriented Perfectionism:

This type involves imposing unrealistically high standards upon oneself. Individuals with self-oriented perfectionism are driven by an internal desire to be perfect. They are often their own harshest critics and may experience significant distress when they fail to meet their own expectations.

If you identify with self-oriented perfectionism, it’s important to:

1. Work on self-compassion! This can be as simple as aiming to do one kind thing for yourself each day. I encourage you to write a list of all the things you can do to be kind to yourself and then chip away at treating yourself well. While this wont remove the self-critical voice in your head, it will help lower the volume. 
2. Set realistic personal goals! I know you think you can accomplish it all and you probably can… but to what cost? In my professional experience, I’ve found most self-oriented perfectionists burn out quickly. This is due to not setting realistic goals. I have a video all about how to set realistic goals for yourself. If you’re interested you can watch it here.
3. Practice acknowledging your achievements and efforts, regardless of the outcome. Learning to accept and embrace imperfections as part of being human. This acknowledgment can significantly reduce the pressure you put on yourself.

Most perfectionists will use absolute language, such as “should” or “always” and “never.” Instead of this verbiage, try replacing your “I should” with “I prefer,” because at the end of the day it’s a preference, not a should. Those “shoulds” in life were created by someone else’s standards or your own head. 

I personally recommend these resources and tools for your journey:

1. Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristen Neff
2. The Gift of Imperfections by Brene Brown
3. Hustle Sanely Journal 

Other-Oriented Perfectionism:

This form of perfectionism is directed towards others. People with other-oriented perfectionism have high expectations of the people around them, whether it’s family, friends, or colleagues. They may be overly critical or judgmental about others’ performance or behavior.

If you find yourself leaning towards other-oriented perfectionism, the key is to cultivate empathy and patience towards others. Understanding that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, and accepting that others may have different standards and approaches can help build healthier relationships and reduce potential conflicts arising from unrealistic expectations. 

This can look like actively giving compliments to people around you. Or if a loved one likes to do the dishes or laundry a certain way, allow them to do so and manage your own emotions. Can you hold on to the emotion that says “they are doing it wrong” and “I’ll have to redo it?” Try to put this into practice for one week, then two weeks. Were you OK? 

Learning to communicate expectations and feelings in a healthy, non-confrontational way can help manage the urge to impose high standards on others. Remember, just because we communicate expectations doesn’t mean they are realistic to the person. 

Socially-Prescribed Perfectionism:

This type is driven by the perception that society or significant others have unrealistic expectations of oneself. People with socially-prescribed perfectionism believe they must meet these external standards to be accepted or valued. They often feel pressure to conform to social norms and fear judgment or rejection if they fail.

For those dealing with socially-prescribed perfectionism, it’s important to work on building self-esteem and assertiveness. Recognize the unrealistic nature of trying to meet everyone’s expectations and understand the value of setting boundaries. Focusing on your own values and beliefs, rather than external validation, can provide a more stable foundation for self-worth.

If you’re looking for more resources, I highly encourage you to watch this video (hyperlink). In this video we dive into my subscribers specific examples. If you have anxiety surrounding your home’s appearance or have found your anxiety stems from worrying, these may be two scenarios you can benefit from watching my advice on! 

Keep in mind with perfectionism and self-doubt, it may be beneficial to seek support from a therapist. Particularly one who specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy, as they can provide personalized guidance and strategies to cope with and overcome perfectionist tendencies.

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